Monthly Archives: February 2013

Don’t Call me Gringa!! (Warning: strong language, sexual references, violence)

Excerpt from, Gringa – In the Clutches of a Ruthless Drug Lord by Eve Rabi

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‘Gringaaa!’ Diablo yells.

I slam the door on his hollering. Bastard can go to hell.

‘Gringaaa!’ he yells again, and again, I ignore him.

Finally, Maria quietly enters my room, a worried look on her face. ‘Senorita please …’

‘Maria, you tell him …’ I wave my finger at her, ‘tell him my name is Payton, and not fucking “Gringaaa! Gringaaa! Gringaaa!”’

Before she can respond, Diablo storms into my room and of course, hears what I say.

‘Come to lunch,’ he says in a strained, but controlled voice.

I look him in the eye. ‘No!’

He stiffens. ‘Come to lunch.’

‘No! I don’t wanna eat with you, okay?’

He grabs me by the scruff of my neck and drags me out of the room to the lunch table.

‘Leave me the fuck alone!’

He shoves me into the dining room. It’s Saturday so that entire gang is there, in the mood to party and to be entertained. Watching Diablo drag me to the table sends a hum through the room.

Humiliated and seething, I sit down and drum my nails on the table. I don’t eat or look at him.

‘Eat!’ he orders.

I ignore him and drum louder, furiously.

A man named Norman, seated next to me, leans over and says, ‘Senorita gringa want Whisky?

‘Yes please, Norman.’

Norman pours the whisky and places the glass in front of me.

‘Thank you Norman,’ I say, bypassing the glass and reaching for the bottle.

Norman’s eyes grow huge when he sees me taking giant swigs from the bottle.

It’s awful. I hate whisky. Tastes like gasoline to me. ‘Damn!’ I say, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. ‘This sure is mighty fine whisky, Norman.’

‘Eh, Senorita gringa, my name …’

‘Lemme pour you one, Norman.’ I top his glass to the brim and hand it to him. ‘Knock yourself out,’ I chuckle.

Diablo’s not smiling.

Yeah, I’m supposed to be nice to him now that the FBI is involved. Well, fuck the FBI and Fuck him.

As lunch progresses, I’m feeling a little more relaxed now. Warm in my toes and even a little confident. Well, they’re eating lunch and I’m drinking mine – whisky, Tequila and some other shit on the table.

After a few more swigs from the bottles, I cross my arms over my head and whistle Hit me Baby One More Time  by Brittany bitch. Totally out of tune, but hey, who gives a fuck right now.

Diablo’s hairy face reveals little, but somehow I don’t think he’s comfortable with my drinking. Hell, I’m not comfortable with my drinking, but screw him.

They’re passing around pictures. Pornographic pictures and the conversation becomes steamy.

Usually, I pass on the pictures, but today, I snatch them out of Norman’s hand. ‘Lemme see that!’

I peer at the picture then burst out laughing. ‘That’s the fugliest flower I have ever come across,’ I say.

‘Eh, Senorita gringa, iiis not a flower, iiis a, how you say it…?’ He snaps his fingers.

‘Pussy,’ some other fucker calls out.

I peer at him. ‘What?!’ I snatch it out of his hands again. ‘Gimmee that.’ I stare at the picture. ‘Mm. Can’t be a woman’s vagina. It’s too fugly. Has to be a man’s.’ I hand him back the picture and go back to my neglected bottle.

‘So many Gringas,’ Antonio says, perving over the pictures. At the mention of the word ‘Gringa’, all eyes zero in on me.

Am I embarrassed? Hell no!

‘Hey, don’t look at me,’ I say and down another Tequila, whisky – whatever – I’ve lost track of what I’m drinking. ‘I don’t roll that way. Why don’t you ask the fugly asshole at the end of the table?’

There is a collective gasp in the room and all eyes dart towards Diablo, including mine. Now he’s gonna be really pissed. Great.

But his amused response in Spanish brings on some guffawing.

‘What? What did he say, Norman?’

Norman is pissed enough to explain. ‘Diablo say, is like a fucking a colchon sometimes. He say, is a big let down. And, Senorita Gringa, and my name is not …’

Colchon … mattress? He said that, did he?’ I let out a long, low whistle. ‘Well Norm, what the hell does he know, huh?’ I smile at Norman. ‘Can I call you “Norm?” I don’t wait for him to answer. ‘He don’t know jack. Foreplay – hell, he probably thinks it’s some kind of sugar-free chewing gum, or something to do with his car’s steering wheel. Huh, Norm?’

‘But Senorita gringa, my name is not Norm, it is not Norman, it is Lucas.’

I stare at him for so long, he flinches. ‘Lucas?’

He nods.

‘Why didn’t you say something, Norm? Okay, I’ll call you Lucas from now on, Norm.’

‘Eh …’

Santana almost falls off her chair laughing.

I look at Norm. ‘Now, Norm,’ I point to Santana, ‘she’s probably laughing at what I said. Or she’s laughing at what the fuckwit at the end of the table said about me – the mattress – whatever shit …but, you ever seen a donkey laugh, Norm?

‘No, Senorita gringa. But my name …’

‘Never? Well, it’s your lucky day, Norm, cos you’ve seen it now.’ I jerk my head towards Santana.

Well, that magically erases the smile of donkey’s face.

‘You biiitch!’ Santana screeches, half out of her chair. ‘I fargin’ kiiill you!’

I smile and raise my bottle at her. ‘Take a “fargin” number and get in “fargin” line.’

Troy comes up to me. ‘Gringa,’ he whispers, ‘come, let me take you to bed so you can sleep it  … ’

My eyebrows shoot up. ‘Take me to bed? Are you better in bed than your brother? Christ, I hope so, Troy!’

Troy turns scarlet and shrinks back, all the while glancing nervously at Diablo.

Diablo looks at everyone around him falling out of their chairs with laughter and his breathing becomes like that of an emphysema patient – raspy and labored.

‘He really is lousy in bed Troy. And you know what? I don’t like him. He’s hairy and yuuuuck! He won’t let me visit my … ’

Diablo slams his fist onto the table, rattling the table and animating plates, cutlery, glasses.

‘Fuck! Look what you did Satan – you nearly made me spill my …’ I jerk back and peer at the label on the bottle in my hand. ‘What the fuck is this shit? Anyhoo, you’ve made me lose count of how many drinks I had. Have to start all over again. In case I have to drive.’

Diablo suddenly whips out his knife and flings it ninja-style at me. I duck and it hits the wooden beam behind me.

‘Ooooh!’ I cry shaking both my hands mockingly. ‘I’m in trooouble now! Biiiiga trooouble.’

‘Go gringa, go!’ some of the men cheer.

‘Whoookay!’ I say.

Diago stands up.

I stand up too and look him in the eye, my eyebrows disappearing behind my spiky fringe.

Breathing heavily, he creeps slowly to me, but I’m ready for him. I kick back my chair and sidle around, using the table as a barrier between us.

‘Watch him move, like a … eh, what you say for walrus in Spanish?’

The men laugh harder. Even Christa laughs.

‘You will farkin’ die!’ Diablo roars.

‘And who’s gonna farkin kill me, huh?’ I ask, dancing on the spot. ‘You?’ I throw my head back and laugh.

More laughter around me.

Diablo runs to his knife, grabs it off the beam and runs towards me.

But I’m already out of the villa and racing towards the cliff.

‘I’m going to kiiiill you!’ he yells as he chases me.

‘Fuck you, motherfucker!’ I scream over my shoulder and sprint ahead. I don’t care if he kills me, I just don’t want to be assaulted by him. He’s super strong and I stand no chance against him if he does. I’ve never seen him run before and I’m hoping he’s out of shape and slow. Well, the big lunch should make him sluggish.

But to my dismay, I can actually hear his breathing. I’m surprised at my slowness. Must be something to do with the booze. I have to admit, I didn’t realize how drunk I was until I started running. Too late now.

I run up the hill and through the dense foliage, passing startled villagers tending the cannabis crops. They stop and stare when they see Diablo chasing a gringa with a knife in his hand. Behind Diablo are his family and just about all of his men, some on horseback and some on foot, not wanting to miss the moment Diablo finally kills the insolent Gringa.

‘Go, gringa go!’ I hear.

‘Go, Diablo!’ I hear Christa say.

I run faster than I ever did in my life.

‘You will die!’ Diablo threatens behind me, still brandishing the knife. His breathing is getting louder and I know I have to do something.

The rock pool! I know for sure that Diablo is no match for me in the water. Very few people are. I head for the pool.

Changing route confuses Diablo and for a few moments, the gap between us increases, allowing me some respite.

I’m desperate to reach the rock pool so that I can shake the enraged animal behind me.

But to my dismay and my surprise, he catches me.

‘Let go of me, you fucking freak!’

We grapple for a few moments, but somehow, I manage to break free. Minus my dress.

He’s holding it in his hands and I’m running in just my bra and panties. I don’t give a fuck though – too drunk to care.

I’ve never been so relieved to see the rock pool and I dive in and swim frantically. I don’t stop until I’m in the middle of the pool, then only do I turn to look back, expecting to see him close by.

To my surprise, he’s standing on the banks of the rock pool, with his hands on his knees, breathing heavily. Behind him a group of villagers laugh and point at me.

I do what anyone would do – I give him the finger.

He doesn’t react.

I play an air guitar and start to sing. ‘I win! I win! I win! Yeah! Yeah!’

He glowers at me and waves his knife threateningly.

I’m confused as to why he isn’t trying to get me, though.

Then I hear jeers from some of the crowd. Something about Diablo being scared of water. So that’s it – this brutal slayer, this nightmare of a monster feared by all, is scared of water? How bizarre is that?

‘What, Diablo, you scared of water, eh? You fucking baboon! Yes, you’re a monkey.’ I tap the top of my head. ‘Hee, hee, hoo, hoo!’

Diablo’s mouth twists.

‘You wear clothes and you walk upright, but that is the extent of your evolution – you’re still a fucking baboon. Get it? A baboon that allows men to do drugs in his home. You’re nothing but a pathetic murderer. You kill women – how tough does that make you, huh? What about children? You kill them too? Huh? I wouldn’t be surprised, ’cos you’re such a fucking coward!’

Nobody is laughing now.

Two of the men, start wading into the water to get to me, but Diablo stops them.

Someone hands him a lit cigarette and he puffs away, never taking his eyes off me.

The crowd hums.

Usted es un pesimo laicos, Diablo. How’s my Spanish, El Bastido?’ I ask proudly. ‘I learned that from the Spanish Dictionary of Dirty Words I brought in LA. Means you’re a lousy lay. Funny eh?’

‘Two minutes then it’s all over. Two minutes, then it’s finiiiito!’

His drags on his cigarette are longer now.

‘You should stick to her,’ I say, pointing at Santana. ‘She thinks you’re great. She’ll always tell you how fabulousa you are in bed and how you’re the greatest lover she’s ever had in her whole life. You like that, right? Egotistical bastard!’

Santana is fuming. ‘Shoot her Diablo,’ she hisses, circling him. ‘Pegarle un tiro!’

‘Me? I’ve had better,’ I jeer. ‘Ten times over. My boyfriends were soooo much better than you, El Monstero. You just take what you want, you fucking low-life. As for killing me – whose gonna kill me? You? Ha! You shot me, but guess what? I’m still here, motherfucker!’

I look at the crowd. ‘Eh, how do you say in “You’re a lousy shot” in Spanish? Anybody …?’

Of course, none of the fuckers have my balls right now, which emanates from the copious amounts of alcohol I consumed.

‘You shot me because I was a spy? What spy? Some intelligence you have there.’

To my utter amazement, he smiles. For a moment, I’m not sure if I’m imagining it. But upon closer examination, by way of an intense stare on my part, I see that he is indeed smiling – an undisguised, genuinely amused smile.

He looks at the others. They appeared to be just as surprised to see him smile and they too smile. Some of them chuckle. A few of them even laugh.

But not Santana and Christa. They are not smiling.

‘What d’ya want me here for, Diablo?’ I ask, feeling a little tired by now. ‘I don’t fit in here and I’m like, so not impressed by you or your crew or your tequila or your Ponderosa. Okay, maybe your tequila. But I’m never gonna like, marry you and be your wife and have your children. Lord no! I have plans for myself. I gonna like, fight bad guys one day.’

He raises his eyebrows.

‘Keep her instead of me.’ I say and point again at Santana. ‘She’s mucho impresso with you and your … your ability to burn down a village of defenseless old men and women and children with the strike of just one match.’

He glances at Santana as if seeing her for the first time.

Santana’s smirk disappears. ‘What? Don’t listen to her, Diablo.’

‘The only time you will ever get anything out of me El Stupido, is if you steal it from me like you did. Other than that, you have a hope in hell!’

Somebody hands him another lit cigarette and he smokes, looking blankly at me.

‘I hate piercings and you’re like a fucking tea-strainer. I dislike tattoos and look like a badly sketched road map. I hate hairy men and you have dreadlocks and a beard. Uggh! You need an extreme makeover, Amigo. Oh, and some serious exfoliation.’

‘And you …you need to put on some clothes,’ he growls.

I look down at myself. Crap! I become especially conscious of Tongue’s leering smile and quickly drop below water level.

Diablo picks up my dress and holds it to the skies.

I shake my head from side-to-side. ‘I’m gonna stay here forever now that I know you’re scared of water.’

‘My men, they are not scared,’ he reminds me. ‘They can bring you to me.’ Then he looks over his shoulder and rattles off in Spanish to the people behind him. I grow nervous. The bastard’s actually going to send his men after me?

But, to my surprise, the crowd starts to slowly thin. I stare, confused. What the hell’s he up to now?  He turns and looks at me, and I realize he’s messing with me. He’s not sending them after me. I giggle, then float on my back, while he watches. I’m in no hurry to leave the water. I just wish he would leave, but remember to leave my dress behind or I’d have to walk back to the villa almost naked. Not a pleasant thought since the alcohol is wearing off and I’m developing a mother of a headache.

When I look back at him, he’s smiling at my antics.

‘You have cojones,’ he says. ‘No one talk to me like that.

‘Yeah?’

He nods.

‘Yeah, cos you’ll probably shoot them for telling you like it is?’

He thinks before he answers, ‘Si.’

‘Gosh, you’re such an arrogant prick,’ I say more to myself. I raise my hands in a surrendering motion. ‘Go ahead. Shoot. But please – I’d like to die with the first bullet, not the thirty first.’

He grins. Then his smile disappears. ‘You don’t like me?’

‘Duh.’

‘You like Him.’

“Him? You mean Austin? Eh …’

His nostrils flare at my response. ‘Why?’

‘’Cos he’s nice. He’s a good man – pleasant, intelligent, educated … a gentleman.’

‘He must be gay.’

‘He’s not gay! He just … dresses nice.’

‘He is your sister’s husband. How you do this?’

I drop my gaze.

‘He got a baby.’ His voice is edged with reproach.

You getting all moral on me? You?’

Cords appear in his neck.

‘What? You gonna kill him now?’

Si.’

‘Don’t you dare. Be nice for once.’

‘Nice?’

‘Yeah, good, nice. You know …?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘You don’t know?’

He shakes his head. ‘Teach me.’

‘Me?’

Si. Teach me how to be good, nice.’

I stare at him. ‘Why? Why do you want to be nice now?’

He drops to his haunches and stares at the ground. Then he looks up at me. ‘Imatired.’

‘Of what?’

He shrugs. ‘This life. I want to be good. Teach me how to be nice Payton,’ he says softly. ‘I want to learn how to be good.’

His words surprise me. ‘Teach you how – that’ll take decades. I don’t think you’re teachable.’

Si?’ His disappointment is visible.

I nod but then I feel really bad. ‘You really wanna learn how to be nice?’

Si.’

‘Why?’

He looks me in the eye. ‘For you.’

He suddenly looks so vulnerable and sincere and even human, that I feel a little sorry for him. I don’t know why I’m feeling this way considering he’s such an asshole, but I do.

‘You swim good.’

‘Swam for University of California, Los Angeles two years in a row,’ I brag, treading water.

He nods and raises his busy eyebrows. ‘Time to go now,’ he says softly.

This is the first time we’re actually having a conversation and I realize I’m no longer afraid of him. If he wanted to kill me, he would have done it already. Frankly, if he kills me, he’ll be doing me a favor.

I slowly emerge from the water and walk up to him.

He helps me into my dress and steadies me when I stagger.

I giggle as I fight for balance.

We stumble back to our villa in silence. He walks me into the bedroom. I stand in front of my bed and look at it. The bed rises and hits me in the face – knocks me out.

To read more:

LEGALIZING COCAINE IN THE WHITE HOUSE, MISUNDERESTIMATING SULTANA.

 (Will only make sense if you have read Burn’s World Series. Or if you haven’t slept for more than seven and a half days) 

Warning: Sexual and drug references.

small cover burn book three for wordpress

Interview with Sultana, Burn’s friend from High School. (Burn’s World)

Interviewer: “Sultana what is your response to people saying, and I quote, ‘If there was an award for the dumbest girl in school, I’d have nominated Sultana Tayoob.’”

Sultana: “Ah, thank you. That’s so sweet of them! I’ve never got any awards in school, ever! That would be so cool.”

Interviewer: (Gawks for a few moments.) “Moving on…both your parents are Middle Eastern and they are doctors in the US – how are they handling the fact that you are now a pole dancer and not a doctor?”

Sultana: “They don’t know about the pole dancing.”

Interviewer: “Really? What do they think you do?”

Sultana: “They think I work in a fruit and veg shop.”

Interviewer: “O…kay. And how is your pole dancing DVD going?”

Sultana: “It’s good. We are working on a cover for the DVD.  I’m probably going to be on it.”

Interviewer: “Ah. You are very pretty, I’m sure it will look very good with you on it.”

Sultana: “Yeah, people sometimes think that I can’t do it, but they misunderestimate me – I’m a very hard worker and my boyfriend, Shyster – he’s very helpful.”

Interviewer: “So your support comes from …?”

Sultana: “For support I use a bra with really thick straps. It’s great support. Not much sagging.”

Interviewer: “Eh, okay…”

Interviewer: “After the pole-dancing DVD, what are your plans for the future?”

Sultana: “I was thinking of running for politics.”

Interviewer: “Wow!”

Sultana: “Yeah, maybe president one day. Who knows?” (Smiles and gives several small shrugs.)

Interviewer: “And how do you plan to do that?”

Sultana: “Well, I’m getting a lot of ‘Likes’ on my Facebook pole-dancing page, so I figure, if I get, say about two thousand likes,  maybe I can run for president. ‘Just got to be popular,’ Shyster always says.”

Interviewer: “O …kay. And how will you change things in the White House when you become president?”

Sultana: “Well, I will like, insist on everyone in the White House learning how to pole-dance. I will plant poles all over the place. Add an American flag to the top of the poles, of course, and like, it will be a form of exercise. They’ll get free DVDs, of course. The main pole will the one right outside the White House. It’ll be like a tourist attraction.”

Interviewer: “You mean every women in the White House?”

Sultana: “No, no, men too. Men can do anything they set their minds too. Not just women can achieve, you know. Men just have to wear the cuppie thingi when they dance around the pole. You know the thing Shane Warne wears so that he doesn’t hurt his …tentacles? That thing. And of course I’ll want a reality show as well for the whole year that I’m presidencing. Something like Snookie’s show. But less guido and less tanning. The drinking can stay the same.”

Interviewer: (Eye brows disappearing into his receding hairline) “Any other changes you’d make?”

Sultana: “Yeah, I’ll legalize cocaine.”

Interviewer: “WHAAAT?!”

Sultana: “Like, it’s already legal in Washington and Colorado and of course, Amsterdam …”

Interviewer: “Sultana, I do believe you mean Cannabis, not cocaine.”

Sultana: (Blinks rapidly and appears to think about it.) “Cocaine’s not legal in Washing …?”

Interviewer: “Not at all.”

Sultana:  (Huge frown) “I gotta tell Shyster that.”

Interviewer: “Sultana, I think you’d make a very interesting and …eccentric president.”

Sultana: “What does eccentric mean?”

Interviewer: “Bizarre, odd …”

Sultana: “Odd? Not really. I wouldn’t be doing stuff like Bush did with that girl in the blue dress. Monica something…”

Interviewer: “I think you’re talking about President Bill Clinton.

Sultana: “Yeah, you’re  right. That’s the one. They rolled a joint and put the joint up …?”

Interviewer: “It was a cigar, I believe.”

Sultana: “Oh. Guess you’re right. Hey I got a joke about Clinton. Wanna hear it?”

Interviewer: “You have a joke? I’d love to hear it.”

Sultana: “Yeah, Burn told us this one. She’s always telling jokes. Okay, goes like this:  Clinton walked into the oval office. One of his aides rushed up to him with some papers in his hand, looking worried.

‘What is it?’ Clinton snapped.

‘It’s the abortion bill, Mr President,” the aide said.

‘So?’ Clinton said. “Just pay the damn thing!’”

Interviewer: “That is so funny, Sultana. And you told it so fluently, too.”

Sultana: “Yeah, I told you – people are always saying I’m dumb, but they are  misunderestimating me.”

Interviewer: “For sure!”

To read more on Burn’s World click on link below:

A LAPTOP FOR $20.00 AND A SHORT INTENTION SPAN. (Will only make sense if you’ve read Gringa or if you’ve been partying for more than a week with Robert Downey Junior)

SHE’S GOT A SHORT INTENTION SPAN.

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 Interview With Rosa (58) and Maria (61) on Life In the US:

 Maria: “Life is really good, I cannot complain. I now get a cell phone so I can talk with my granddaughter, Isabella. You know her? She very pretty and she very smart too. She marry Troy, the boy with the baseball cap hat?  He don’t drugs no more. He good boy now.”

Interviewer: “Yes, I do know Isabella. In fact, I’ve met her. She is indeed pretty and smart.”

Rosa: “I have a no family for myself, Senor, but I have a cousin Sylvia. She have a lot of girls working for her. And she geta lotta visitors for the girls. She very rich – she got iPhone, she got  gym membership and she got …?”

Maria: “This is America – everybody here got iPhone and gym membership.  That does not mean your cousin Sylvia is rich. Now if you got laptop, then you are rich.”

Rosa: “What?! Laptop is cheap, Maria. I hear you go Vegas you get laptop for $20.00.”

Maria: (Swivels to look at Rosa.) “That true? Then you and I must go Vegas and we get our own laptops for $20.00.”

Rosa: “Is a very good idea. Now Gringa, she got a laptop. But when she work on Spacebook, Diablo, eh, Diago, he watch over her shoulder.

Maria: ”Yah, yah, he dodat. Then Gringa say, “Diago, what the hell? Why are you looking over my shoulder? Then he say, ‘Who is all these people photos you look at?’ Then she say, ‘They added me as a friend, Diago.’ Then Diago say, ‘They know you are married?’ Gringa say, ‘Of course, they do, Diago. Do you want to look at my status?’ And Diago, he shake his head and say, ‘I see your status tonight in the bedroom. Now, I want to talk about this. Where is wedding picture of you and me? Why is it not there?’ Gringa roll her eyes and say, ‘Diago, please!’ And he say, ‘You put picture of me and you or I break the laptop.’ Gringa say, ‘What the fuck, Diago? You threatening me?’ He thinka bout it and say, ‘Si.’ Gringa roll her eyes and go to find wedding picture.”

Rosa: “Diago, he very scared of losing Gringa, I think. What is the English word …?”

Maria: “Insincere. He very insincere.”

Rosa: “That’s it. Diago very insincere. Maria your English is very good now, eh?”

Maria: (Beams) “What can I say? I am very smart. Just like Isabella, even though I don’t go to college. Even though I don’t finish school.  

Rosa: “Yah.”

Maria: “Very soon I want to help Eve Rabi with her editing. She say she hate editing, so I say, ‘Let me helpa you, Eve.’ She say, ‘Oh, Maria, if you could do that, I would be so grateful. If I had a fairy godmother, Maria, I would get her to do all my editing and my housework, of course. I can get myself to the ball.’ She laugh when she say it. But I don’t laugh. She is lazy, that Eve Rabi.”

Rosa: “Yah, I hear she like to write better than to clean her house.”

Maria: “Disgraceful.”

Rosa: “Very disgraceful. She let her cat sleep on her laptop? That is terrible. Hey, Maria, I must learn English like you.”

Maria: “Yes, but you got a short intention span. That is your problem.”

Rosa: “Maybe you right. My intention span is very short.” (Sighs)

To read more about the whackos from Gringa – In the Clutches of a Ruthless Drug Lord, please 

click on link below:

http://wp.me/P2DsmV-2f

To read the entire Gringa series, please click on link below:

 

He texts me fifteen times a day…

INTERVIEW WITH KATE – NICK’S CHEATING ASS GIRLFRIEND

(From Burn’s World. Will only make sense if you have read Burn’s World or if you are severely jet lagged from a flight with Bruce Willis.)

Interviewer: “Kate, what is your response to Nick jilting you at the altar, showing videos of you being unfaithful to him at your wedding, publically accusing you of sleeping with his cousin, the late Bud McGraw?”

Kate: “I feel sad for Nick. He’s got it all wrong. That wasn’t me in the video. I have no idea where he got that from.’’

Interviewer: “Okay, so how have you been since that terrible …?

Kate: “I have been doing just fine, thank you. I’ve met a wonderful man who cherishes me and wants to marry me and Nick McGraw, well, let’s just say that it’s his loss.”

Interviewer: “You’ve met a man? You guys are talking marriage already? Wow!”

Kate: “Yeah and he’s such a sweet guy and he loves me so much and he tells me how special I am to him every day…texts me fifteen times a day. (Smiles and looks heavenward.) I can’t believe …

To read more please click on the link below:

http://wp.me/p2DsmV-4i

Saddam, Bin Laden and Hitler…

SADDAM, BIN LADEN AND HITLER

Interview with Lanie, Burn’s ‘gimmee’ cousin (From Burn’s World)

(Warning: will only make sense if you have read the Burn’s World series. Or if you’ve had more than nine strawberry daiquiris)

Lanie: “Before you ask any questions, I have to ask – what the hell is wrong with a bandage skirt? A bandage dress? Huh? Why is Eve Rabi making such a big thing about it? So what if I wanted avocado-green and not plain-green for my wedding? And what is wrong with pewter, Eve Rabi? And how dare you refer to me as a ‘gimmee’ child?

You have some nerve. I guess you’re from South Africa – we all know what they say about South Africans, don’t we?”

Interviewer: “Eve Rabi lives in Sydney. What do they say about South …?”

Lanie: “Okay so you live in Sydney – don’t you have bandage skirts there, Eve Rabi? Huh? Well, I mean, I have to excuse you cos we all know what they about Australia now, don’t we? Huh, huh?”

Interviewer: “Eh, moving on …can we address the allegations that you were unfaithful to Matt during your marriage.”

Lanie. “What? That never happened.”

Interviewer: “Can you explain how you gave birth to a black baby? When both you and your husband are white?”

Lanie: (Throws her hands out.)  “Maybe someone took advantage of me while I was…

(To read more, click on link below and enter at your own risk:)

http://wp.me/P2DsmV-2N

Typewriter, Spacebook and Auntacid

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Maria and Rosa on the book Depp’s writing called Gringa:

(Gringa – In the Clutches of a Ruthless Drug Lord)

Rosa: “If Diago is angry about Depp writing his book and talking about his wife, maybe he must maybe pay more ’tention to his gringa. You know buy her flowers and send her a message on … (Looks at Maria) What’s that place everyone puts messages and photos and tell everyone what a good time they are having?”

Maria: “Eh, Spacebook.”

Rosa: “Yah, Spacebook. He must tell her he loooove her and things. Then gringa feel good and stay with Diablo.”

Maria: “Not ‘Diablo’ — Gringa want us to call him ‘Diago’.”

Rosa: (Frowning) “Why?”

Maria: (Shrugs) “Gringa is loco, you know that. Remember that time she got drunk and …

(To read more, please click on link below)

http://wp.me/P2DsmV-2f

 

Message from Matt ( Lanie’s cheating-ass ex-husband) from Burn’s World:

Message from Matt ( Lanie’s cheating-ass ex-husband) from Burn’s World:

Matt: “This is so cool – you guys asking me to come over and give my side of the story. On camera too. You guys are amazing. Fantastic. It’s so …so Cheaters, you know, where a party is invited to give his/her side of the story about the cheating. Eh, this is going to be on TV, right?

Interviewer: “No.”

Matt: “Oh.” (Looks disappointed) Anyway, Lanie is a cheating ass skank for fucking that black dude and getting knocked up with his child. Do you know how humiliating it was for me? My whole family was there I had no face, I tell you. None. (Sniffs) I loved …

To read more, click on link below:

http://wp.me/P2DsmV-2N

 

I’m a man

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Need Hot Chocolate Pronto

Worked on this till 3 AM. Coming soon. Need espresso now. And maybe a neck massage. And maybe a foot massage. And maybe some hot chocolate with marshmallows in it – one pink and one white. And maybe a fairy godmother to finish editing it for me. 🙂

cover Royal Deception book 2 9 Feb

Book blog tour

Hi, I’m Eve Rabi and welcome to my blog tour.
Take your shoes off, grab a chardonnay, kick back and enjoy as I answer your questions, cos this is how we do it. 

Before I go any further, I’d like to say thank you to Louise West for tagging me.

What is the title of you book?

My book is called Burn’s World.

cover burn book one  25 JAN 2013

It’s a love triangle:
Burn Ballantyne – a young girl of mixed race, who is caught between the two loves of her life

Brody McGraw – he’s white, ambitious and decent, but from a racist family who shuns Burn.

Trojan Catrell – a street thug and an enemy of Brody’s. He is determined to get Burn, knowing that her heart belongs to Brody.

We first meet Burn in high school and she takes us through life with her till she becomes an adult.

Here’s what reader had to say:
“I love the characters in this book. They all have different qualities that tie the book together. Burn has such a fantastic personality from the first page I was gripped I literally finished it within 3 hours. Overall freaking loved and so bloody funny near peed my pants. Am looking forward to reading next one.”

Where did the idea come from?
Well, there was this one time …

Okay, seriously, I was a very spirited teen. (Some would call me mouthy, sassy, full of crap, someone who hated structure and disrupted the class, someone who gave her mother lip, someone who …well, they are lying.)

My story is based a lot on my experiences and from experiences of those who were around me during my teens.

Anyho, I wrote this short story for my daughters once. They loved it so much and badgered me to keep writing. So I went ahead and wrote it. A sedate draft.
Now, to their frustration, they will not be able to read it, as it is for mature readers. About a teen, but for young adults and adults who are young at heart.
I have, however, given my children permission to read all my books .
When I’m dead.
They don’t have to wait for my body to get cold or anything, just my death certificate from our family doctor will do. Even from a witchdoctor is fine.

What genre does your book fall under?
Young adult, but for mature readers because of the cussing and swearing and the …well, you have to read it and you will know.
Here’s the link if you can’t wait to read it:
http://www.amazon.com/BURNS-WORLD-Book-Series-ebook/dp/B00B60PXR

4. What actors would you choose to play the part of your characters in a movie rendition?
Mm. If Jennifer Aniston was twenty years younger and if she had a half-black sister with curly hair and brown eyes, that sister would play Burn. Jennifer is naturally funny and I like that.
Brody—Channing Tatum, who else.

Trojan – he’s black and badass so lemme think …not Bobby Brown, not Puff Daddy, not 50 cents, not Eminem, not Oprah, not Justin Timberlake…I’ll come back to you on this one.
(Check out the video link and maybe you can tell me. If I do chose that person for the movie, I will give you $100 million. Yes, you heard correctly. I may have to issue you with an IOU first, but after a while, you’ll be able to upsize your McDonald’s happy meal with ease.)

I’d want to have a say in the casting, of course, cos who knows the characters better than I do? I conjured them. They all will have to be flawed characters though. There’s no real entertainment in goody-two-shoes.

5. What is the one-sentence synopsis of your book?
Mm, lemme think. Okay, I got it:
I’m lying alone with my head on the phone, thinking of you till it hurts, I know you hurt too, but what else can we do, tormented and torn apart. (And yes, that is one sentence.)

6. How long did it take to write the first draft of the manuscript?
I wrote it in a month. I’m a speed writer. (And a speed eater.)
It was at the expense of everything though. I basically shut the world out so that I could create and it was the most fun I had. I even ignored my children and my dog and cat, but only gave them some attention to prevent them from calling social services.
Sometimes when they gave me lip, I myself thought about calling social services on me. I pictured my house all to myself with no-one to complain about the dirty dishes etc. But, I didn’t cos I didn’t want my ex-husband to stop his generous monthly payments, know what I’m sayin’?’

7. What other books would you compare this story to within your genre?
Besides the bible?
Okay, okay, I’m kidding.
Gringa-In the Clutches of a Ruthless Drug Lord
The Wages of Sinead
If you’ve enjoyed these two books, you will definitely enjoy Burn’s World.
However, when it comes to movies – Superbad and American Pie are the movies that come to mind. I’m a fan of Seth Rogan, Amy Pohler, Tina Fey, Chelsea Handler, Sasha Baron Cohen, Tarrantino, Sarah Silverman.

8. Who or what inspired you to write this book?
My kids inspired me to write this particular book. And I share my success with them. I’ve rewarded them handsomely – a bag of blue M&Ms each. What can I say – I’m generous to a fault 
My readers badgered me about writing a sequel to Gringa – In the Clutches of a Ruthless Drug Lord. They loved the sassiness of Payton’s character.
I didn’t want to, but Burn was a character I was nursing for a while. Once I started writing, I couldn’t stop.

9.What else about your book might pique the reader’s interest?
The humor. Also, the sex scenes, the swearing, the violence, the drug references, the off-beat characters, the racial slurs, the shocking dialogue – all the things that will probably get it banned.
Actually, if you want to be shocked back to life and you don’t want to use a defibrillator, you should read it.
The reader has to have a warped sense of humor. Like I have. 

Here is the video of Burn’s World:

I hope you enjoy it. Please like it as well.
If you would like to be further shocked, please click on link below:

What readers are saying about Burn’s World:
“I genuinely loved this. I totally “got” Burn. I liked her kickass personality and just everything about her. Even though I am a 32 years old and white I could relate to her – if that makes sense to you? I “felt” her.

“This second book was great, for me it was even better than the first one. There were so many emotions flowing and I loved it!”

“I’m not sure if I like Gringa better, or Burn’s World, but I can tell you omg…I was hooked from page one when I started reading Burn’s Wrld. Burn is real, kickass, funny too. She’s someone I would love to take on holiday. Lol. Lots of cussing, racial remarks, sexual reference and I didn’t like that the books were so short.  Overall, I loved the series, loved Trojan too. I laughed so much! I cried too. Overall, I definitely recommend it.”

I must say I love Eve Rabi’s books but this by far was my favorite series!! It will keep you on edge!!

Letter from my someone who edited Burn’s World:
Hi Eve,
One of the things I like about these gigs is I get to read things I wouldn’t normally gravitate to, either because they’re not in my usual genres or simply because I don’t know they exist. Most of the time, honestly, they’re dreck. And then I continue to feel superior.
But every once-in-a-rare-while, I come across something that is at the complete opposite end of the dreck spectrum. Something like Burn’s World. And then I feel humbled.
What a great book, Eve! As I alluded to last night, I was so drawn into the story–all of it, the characters, the humor, the drama, and the rollercoaster plot–that it took me awhile to finish, as I was reading twice, once for pleasure and once for proofing.
Anyway, I hope my edits are helpful. I realize there’s wiggle-room on many of them. And I also realize we may have differences regarding American vs. British usages. Obviously, I went with what I’m familiar with.
Best of luck with the book! I hope to work with you again soon. (Gotta find out what happens with Burn and Trojan!)
Regards,
B

In this blog I’m tagging:

H. Raven Rose

Clarissa Cartham

JP Hanson

Elodie Parkes

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