LEGALIZING COCAINE IN THE WHITE HOUSE, MISUNDERESTIMATING SULTANA.
Warning: Sexual and drug references.
Interview with Sultana, Burn’s friend from High School. (Burn’s World)
Interviewer: “Sultana what is your response to people saying, and I quote, ‘If there was an award for the dumbest girl in school, I’d have nominated Sultana Tayoob.’”
Sultana: “Ah, thank you. That’s so sweet of them! I’ve never got any awards in school, ever! That would be so cool.”
Interviewer: (Gawks for a few moments.) “Moving on…both your parents are Middle Eastern and they are doctors in the US – how are they handling the fact that you are now a pole dancer and not a doctor?”
Sultana: “They don’t know about the pole dancing.”
Interviewer: “Really? What do they think you do?”
Sultana: “They think I work in a fruit and veg shop.”
Interviewer: “O…kay. And how is your pole dancing DVD going?”
Sultana: “It’s good. We are working on a cover for the DVD. I’m probably going to be on it.”
Interviewer: “Ah. You are very pretty, I’m sure it will look very good with you on it.”
Sultana: “Yeah, people sometimes think that I can’t do it, but they misunderestimate me – I’m a very hard worker and my boyfriend, Shyster – he’s very helpful.”
Interviewer: “So your support comes from …?”
Sultana: “For support I use a bra with really thick straps. It’s great support. Not much sagging.”
Interviewer: “Eh, okay…”
Interviewer: “After the pole-dancing DVD, what are your plans for the future?”
Sultana: “I was thinking of running for politics.”
Sultana: “Yeah, maybe president one day. Who knows?” (Smiles and gives several small shrugs.)
Interviewer: “And how do you plan to do that?”
Sultana: “Well, I’m getting a lot of ‘Likes’ on my Facebook pole-dancing page, so I figure, if I get, say about two thousand likes, maybe I can run for president. ‘Just got to be popular,’ Shyster always says.”
Interviewer: “O …kay. And how will you change things in the White House when you become president?”
Sultana: “Well, I will like, insist on everyone in the White House learning how to pole-dance. I will plant poles all over the place. Add an American flag to the top of the poles, of course, and like, it will be a form of exercise. They’ll get free DVDs, of course. The main pole will the one right outside the White House. It’ll be like a tourist attraction.”
Interviewer: “You mean every women in the White House?”
Sultana: “No, no, men too. Men can do anything they set their minds too. Not just women can achieve, you know. Men just have to wear the cuppie thingi when they dance around the pole. You know the thing Shane Warne wears so that he doesn’t hurt his …tentacles? That thing. And of course I’ll want a reality show as well for the whole year that I’m presidencing. Something like Snookie’s show. But less guido and less tanning. The drinking can stay the same.”
Interviewer: (Eye brows disappearing into his receding hairline) “Any other changes you’d make?”
Sultana: “Yeah, I’ll legalize cocaine.”
Sultana: “Like, it’s already legal in Washington and Colorado and of course, Amsterdam …”
Interviewer: “Sultana, I do believe you mean Cannabis, not cocaine.”
Sultana: (Blinks rapidly and appears to think about it.) “Cocaine’s not legal in Washing …?”
Interviewer: “Not at all.”
Sultana: (Huge frown) “I gotta tell Shyster that.”
Interviewer: “Sultana, I think you’d make a very interesting and …eccentric president.”
Sultana: “What does eccentric mean?”
Interviewer: “Bizarre, odd …”
Sultana: “Odd? Not really. I wouldn’t be doing stuff like Bush did with that girl in the blue dress. Monica something…”
Interviewer: “I think you’re talking about President Bill Clinton.
Sultana: “Yeah, you’re right. That’s the one. They rolled a joint and put the joint up …?”
Interviewer: “It was a cigar, I believe.”
Sultana: “Oh. Guess you’re right. Hey I got a joke about Clinton. Wanna hear it?”
Interviewer: “You have a joke? I’d love to hear it.”
Sultana: “Yeah, Burn told us this one. She’s always telling jokes. Okay, goes like this: Clinton walked into the oval office. One of his aides rushed up to him with some papers in his hand, looking worried.
‘What is it?’ Clinton snapped.
‘It’s the abortion bill, Mr President,” the aide said.
‘So?’ Clinton said. “Just pay the damn thing!’”
Interviewer: “That is so funny, Sultana. And you told it so fluently, too.”
Sultana: “Yeah, I told you – people are always saying I’m dumb, but they are misunderestimating me.”
Interviewer: “For sure!”
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